dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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