I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize