I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
