census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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