a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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