he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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