So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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