i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
