dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
