Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize