My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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