She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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