So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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