so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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