my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
