you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
