I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
