I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
