The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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