you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
