yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
