If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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