my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
