I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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