I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
