She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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