I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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