you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
