the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
