omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
