Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
