can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
