my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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