Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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