I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
