my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
