meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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