If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
