Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
