My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
