Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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