No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
