What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
