The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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