ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
