Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
did i walk over a car last night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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