I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
