Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
