New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He felt like a one man threesome
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
