Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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