he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
