I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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