My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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