i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He shit in the fireplace
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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