K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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