i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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