I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
