Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
