I just pynch a tree in the face
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
