he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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