so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
