I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I look excited, but its just a facade.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
