Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
