Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize